My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
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when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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