i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
