If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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