Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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