I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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