I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
