Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
