i came on her dog
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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