cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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