Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
