she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
