I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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