i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
