i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
