I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
