My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
