saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
