you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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