Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
