The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Houston, we have a squirter
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
