I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
