I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
