hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
