the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My vagina is officially offended.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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