Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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