I hate all girls vehemently.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
