My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
