When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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