Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
