I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
