Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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