I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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