the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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