Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
