Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
