Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm always down for nudity.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
