you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
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