I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
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When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
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Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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