Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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