So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
