Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
