; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
