Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
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Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
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I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
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