Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
