why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
