Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
