Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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