I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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