Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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