"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
