Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
