2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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