I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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