Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
