Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
