Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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