He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
