Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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